


Still I Call It Magic

by hinotoriii



Category: Pillars of Eternity
Genre: Deadfire, Deadfire Spoilers, F/M, Pre-Relationship
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-06-19
Updated: 2018-06-19
Packaged: 2019-05-25 14:03:32
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,947
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14978708
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/hinotoriii/pseuds/hinotoriii
Summary: Whilethe Defiantcontinues on its path towards Neketaka, Faeluna and Aloth finally find the opportunity to talk more openly with one another. But have the years apart only managed to create a rift between them?





	Still I Call It Magic

Faeluna rubs a hand against her forehead, attempting to fight what is a rapidly building headache. The grimoire she’s been reading from rests in her lap, any attempt at studying or making notes for the new spells she’s trying to learn long forgotten. Instead she lets out a heavy sigh, carefully leaning her head back against the wooden wall behind her. She opens her eyes, turning her head to gaze out the port window beside her, staring at the endless blue expanse of the sea stretching out across the view. The seemingly endless, wild oceans of the Deadfire.

She’s starting to grow used to the headaches now. The constant exhaustion she experiences not so much - but at the very least it’s become a little more bearable since Eothas has returned a piece of her soul to her. Faeluna often wonders how much of her current lethargy is due to the majority of it remaining separated from her or if it's instead related to the ongoing stress from her new responsibilities, although after speaking with Edér briefly she’s come to believe it’s probably a mixture of both things.

This current headache of hers she knows is born from a number of things. It’s born from what she saw when making contact with the Adra pillar, from the conversation she shared with Eothas.

It’s born from how conflicted she feels - what with the little anyone can understand of his intentions. After all, why would a God known for kindness towards kith become the source of so much death and disruption in the world?

It’s born from the unknown - not just of what Faeluna has once again become involved with concerning Eothas and the other Gods, but also of what to expect once _the Defiant_ docks at Neketaka.

Yet aside from all of those things, the pulsing tension building within her temples is also born thanks to the presence of an old friend.

Aloth.

Finding Aloth had been ... unexpected, to say the least. Waking to have both Edér and Steward by her side had been a relief to Faeluna, and she could not have been more thankful - not to mention _glad -_ to know that she wasn’t going to be facing this new catastrophe the world’s facing alone. She’d missed Edér terribly, even if they had seen one another less than a year ago. Aloth on the other hand ...

Faeluna had lost contact with him nearly three years ago. His work in taking down the Leaden Key is something that’s incredibly delicate, a fact of which she understands well enough, but it never stopped her from worrying all the same. After the first year of silence Faeluna had feared greatly for Aloth’s safety, and by the second with no contact, no sign to let her to know he was still alive —

She’d honestly believed he'd died.

It had felt like someone had punched the air out of her when she saw him. It took everything within her not to run to him, to decide whether she wanted to hug him or slap him for making her worry so much. Instead Faeluna settled for the teasing - drawing out as much praise for _Engferth_ from the animancers as she could, watching as the tips of Aloth’s ears reddened and he shifted from one foot to the other under the unwanted attention. She felt how from beside her Edér was watching carefully between the both of them, knowing the real discussion would happen much later.

A discussion which still had not been shared.

There had been little time. Aloth was reluctant to talk in greater detail whilst they still remained around Port Maje, and Faeluna had agreed that there would be time to talk to each other in more detail later. Now that later had arrived however the very thought of where to even begin made her feel uneasy. It's daft, truly, since Faeluna knows they had been close to one another once, but it's been so long. What if they'd both become different people during their time apart? She has no idea where Aloth's been or what he's seen since the contact faded between the two of them, and Faeluna barely even knows who or what _she_ is now her life is tethered to Berath.

She groans, pressing her hand harder against her forehead as another wave of tension beats like a drum against her skull. Talking with Aloth had always been so easy in the past. Natural, in fact. It certainly never left her with fluttering anxiety before.

"Are you alright?"

Faeluna’s head shoots up, the unexpected voice surprising her. She hadn’t expected anyone to enter her quarters - most of the crew knock before letting themselves in - and yet standing by her door is none other than Aloth himself. Faeluna tries to hide her shock at seeing him, instead taking notice of the way his fingers are fidgeting as he clasps his hands together in front of himself. It’s a familiar stance, she realises, her gaze moving up to where she notes the look of concern stretched across Aloth’s face.

"Yes," She lies, dropping her hand back into her lap as she looks away, her ears giving a slight twitch. The lie only lasts a second before Faeluna is closing her eyes and frowning to herself. She shakes her head. Sighs. "No."

Faeluna listens to the sound of Aloth's footsteps as he makes his way across the small room towards her. She breathes in a slow, deep breath, her heart suddenly beating fiercely within her chest. She does her best to ignore it.

"I spoke to Edér," Aloth begins, voice as gentle as Faeluna remembers it to be. She finally looks towards him as the bed dips. Aloth sits at the edge, close to where Faeluna’s legs are curled up on top of the covers. "He told me about your headaches. The tiredness."

"I've had worse," Faeluna replies, briefly wondering just how much Edér's managed to share regarding her unique situation. She gives a one shouldered shrug. "At least it's not memories of a past life spiralling me into a deep madness this time."

She watches the curve of Aloth's lips raise to a faint smile, although his worry doesn't fade.

"That's true. Still, if you're not feeling well -"

"I'm _fine,_ Aloth," Faeluna interrupts, reaching across the bed to rest one of her hands upon his. She shares a small smile, hoping to reassure him. "It's nothing I can't handle, at least. Eothas might hold the majority of my soul right now, but I'll get it back.” She pauses, brow knitting together into a frown. “Somehow."

It takes a moment for her to come out of her thoughts, and she only does because she feels Aloth twist his hand so that it was holding hers in return. He lets out a small laugh.

"You know, you're probably the only person I know who would respond to a God taking their soul as ‘ _nothing they couldn't handle’_. If I didn't know you as well as I do, I wouldn't believe you.”

Her cheeks suddenly grow warm, and Faeluna's eyes dart down to where their hands are joined. Aloth’s attention falls to them too, and she hears him let out a quiet _'oh'_ before gently pulling away. He clears his throat as they both look away.

"What I mean to say is -"

"I know what you meant to say, Aloth," Faeluna says, letting out a small chuckle. She brings her grimoire up against her chest, wrapping her arms around it as she curls her legs up further beneath herself. "I appreciate it. Granted, I'd much rather prefer to be sitting in my old chair at Brighthollow and keeping warm in front of the fire rather than chasing Eothas across the Deadfire, but seeing as that's quite an impossibility now ..."

"I'm truly sorry about Caed Nua. I know it meant a lot to you."

The sincerity in Aloth's words pierce Faeluna's heart. She's barely spoken about Caed Nua to anyone - only Edér and Steward when she first woke on the ship. But of course Aloth understands her pain - he had been there when they'd first happened upon it left in ruin. He knows that there were many a memory shared within the walls of that Keep; memories filled with both hardships and fond laughter during the days before everyone had left to continue on their separate ways. Faeluna had gone as far as to keep Aloth's room free for him - just incase he ever returned to visit, or decided he wanted to stay for a while.

"It was home. And now ... now it's all gone."

It's a wound that runs far deeper than just the loss of the Keep itself. It's the loss of the only thing Faeluna has ever yearned for - home. The search for a home had been what had led her to the Dyrwood in the first place, and for a few years she had been content. Now, she just feels lost again.

"Steward and Edér have been wonderful. They got this ship -" she looks up, her eyes darting around the space of her quarters " - and a crew too. Apparently it ran my funds dry as I only have enough gold left for food and medical supplies, but it's better than nothing." A frown creases Faeluna’s brow as a thought comes to her. "I've never really considered how much a ship this size would cost before now."

"I'll admit, it's never crossed my mind either. Usually I'm just paying for passage ... unless Iselymr's causing a scene because she thinks the price isn't fair."

A smile starts to dawn upon Faeluna’s face at that.

"You're still getting along with Iselymr, I take it?"

"Things are ... better," Aloth settles for. Despite the brief hesitation in his words however Faeluna can tell he means it. "She's easier to live with, but she still has her moments where she frustrates me. There have been a few occasions where she's caused me needless trouble."

"Isn't that part of her charm though?" Faeluna asks, gently nudging Aloth's side with her foot. Aloth gives her a pointed look in return.

"Not always. I suppose she means well, in her own way."

A frown creases Aloth's forehead as something catches his eye. He tilts his head to one side, curiously watching Faeluna, and Faeluna can't help but to be confused. She follows his gaze, looking down towards the grimoire she's holding pressed against her chest.

"Is that the grimoire I gave to you?" He asks, sounding surprised.

Faeluna nods, offering the book towards him. Aloth takes it from her, holding the grimoire with care. He touches a hand over the familiar cover, tracing the engraved image of a tree that sits in the centre. Faeluna watches how his lips curve upwards, notices the way his eyes have lit up with awe.

"I can't believe you even still have this."

"Of course I do," Faeluna quickly replies. "Why wouldn't I?"

Aloth looks towards her, his eyes growing slightly wide.

"Because I gave it to you over _five years ago_."

"And? I notice you still have this." She taps a finger against a silver ring sitting on Aloth's right index finger. "I gave that to you _long_ before you gave me the book."

"Point taken," Aloth says, the words coming out around a huff of laughter. "I did notice you were using different spells earlier, but I didn't give much thought about how some of them weren't related to your abilities as a druid. May I?"

“Sure,” Faeluna agrees with a shrug, allowing Aloth to look through the book. “After all, you were the one that introduced me to wizardry in the first place. Maybe I’ve learnt something even you’ll be impressed with.”

"The fact you've been continuing to learn such spells is already impressing me. They're not always the easiest to get a grasp of."

Faeluna watches as Aloth delicately goes through the grimoire. She notices how his mouth moves as he reads, miming the words sat upon the page to himself, almost as if he were testing out how they felt to say. Her notes are hardly as tidy or as organised as she's seen his own to be - Faeluna often thought their scurried scrawl mirrored the chaotic rush of her own mind - yet Aloth seems to either hardly notice or hardly care.

As he turns another page Faeluna suddenly begins to feel her cheeks start to grow warm, noticing one of the many sketches she'd attempted to draw to help with a spell she'd once had trouble mastering sitting upon the page. Aloth's hand touches it, his smile brightening.

"I'm not the best artist," She confesses, tugging at her sleeve self-consciously.

"I quite like your drawings, actually," Aloth says with a laugh. "They have character."

"That's just a polite way of saying that they're no better than a child's."

"And most children's drawings are known to be very charming."

Faeluna lets out a little laugh of her own, shaking her head with a grin.

When her laughter fades she continues to watch Aloth as he silently flicks through more pages of her book. Her grin fades into something soft, a familiar warmth blooming deep within her chest. It isn't an unwelcome feeling, rather the opposite. Faeluna feels comfortable, like the years missing between them were non-existent. She almost feels silly for how nervous she'd been before, the way she had worried things would feel far too strange or that time would changed who they were.

"I missed you."

It's a simple fact, one that likely didn't even need to be voiced. Aloth's attention returns to Faeluna, who watches him peacefully. There are no expectations, and Faeluna doesn't ask for any explanations. She knows Aloth will tell her of what he's been up to over the past five years in his own time. All Faeluna really cares about currently is that she gets this again. _They_ get this again.

Aloth reaches for her hand, squeezing it as he meets her gaze with sorrowful eyes.

"I missed you too," he returns. "And I’m sorry that I haven't written to you in so long. I never intended -"

"It's alright," Faeluna cuts in, shaking her head. "I understand. I always knew you were busy, what with all your work tracking and taking down the Leaden Key. I'm just ... I'm really glad you're alright."

"And I’m glad that _you’re_ alright. After what happened … you’re lucky to even be alive.”

Faeluna tries not to wince, realising Edér likely hasn’t told Aloth about how or even why Berath had come to her in the first place. She’s thankful in a way, knowing all too well that the whole truth would only worry Aloth. Faeluna knows she’ll tell him - the thought of keeping something so big from Aloth isn’t something that sits right with her - but … not right now.

Instead she moves her free hand to gently brush a stray piece of his hair away from Aloth’s forehead, near to where a new and unfamiliar scar sits close to his hairline. Faeluna forces her smile to return, albeit heavier than it had been.

“I think there are both more than a few stories we can share about what we’ve been through these past few years,” she says, her fingertips lightly tracing the scar. Aloth pulls her hand away and interlaces his fingers with hers, settling both of their joined hands between them.

“That’s certainly true.” He breathes out with a long, heavy sigh. “It’s strange to think that I can actually talk to someone about matters pertaining to Leaden Key once more. A welcome relief, actually. I feel as if I’ve had to keep so much of who I am and what I’ve been doing a  secret from anyone I’ve met for so long now.”

“Oh, I’m sure the Leaden Key isn’t something _Engferth_ would have any knowledge about.”

“You’re not going to let me forget that now, are you?” Aloth asks, raising an amused eyebrow.

“After you told your animancer friends that I was your wealthy, older Aunt who had mysteriously died in a fire?  Absolutely not,” answers Faeluna.

“It seemed like a convenient story at the time. Besides, you _do_ have the oldest soul out of anyone I know.”

Faeluna rolls her eyes, shaking her head with a small grin. The awoken part of her had been dormant ever since the events of Sun In Shadow, and although she very much doubts that the soul she carries from a previous life has truly left her, Faeluna assumes that with all the questions they’d carried for so many years surrounding Thaos finally answered, they’ll continue to rest peacefully now.

“I must thank you again, by the way,” Aloth begins, sharing a grateful smile which starts to fade as he continues. “For maintaining my story in front of Benessa and the others. I didn’t enjoy deceiving them, but it seemed simpler than the alternative.”

“And lonelier, I’d imagine.” She gave his hand another reassuring squeeze. “From what I saw, you seemed to really care for them. But … they didn’t really know you, did they?”

Aloth takes in a deep breath, gently pulling his hands away from Faeluna’s and resting them on the cover of her grimoire. She notices the nervous way his fingertips begin to trace the engraved patterns of the book once more.

“How could I tell them anything? I’m trying to take down one of the most secretive and troublesome secret organisations in all of Eora. One that has a rather … tangled history when it comes to animancy. It’s not something I could very well share with them.”

“I get that. It doesn’t mean having to live in such a way is easy though.”

Aloth seems to pause, attention focused on the grimoire still as he thinks over the words. Eventually he gives a gentle shrug of his shoulder.

“No. But it was necessary.” Aloth says, his brow knitting together tightly. “Nothing about the past five years has been easy, however. Tracking down Leaden Key circles, trying to break them down … it’s been a lot more difficult than I had first anticipated.”

“Really?” asks Faeluna.

She’s not surprised to hear that the work had proven difficult - Faeluna knew well enough from her own experiences with Thaos how matters relating to his work was never anything but a complicated mess of affairs. What _does_ manage to surprise her however is how Aloth seemed to almost have expected his own efforts to be easier somehow. With Thaos gone and Waidwen’s Legacy at an end Faeluna hadn’t given the Leaden Key much thought, but she would have imagined that the organisation would have just become more reclusive in the aftermath of its leaders fall.

“I don’t think I really understood the weight of the decisions I’d have to make, nor what the burden of living with some of them would really feel like. It’s so much easier to follow someone else’s lead, be it that of my father’s or Thaos’. Or even yours.”

Finally, Aloth glances towards Faeluna. For a brief moment she feels as if she sees a flicker of the Aloth she’d known five years ago - lost and unaware of his true potential, looking to her for guidance. It makes her heart ache, understanding that Aloth had gone from always following someone to suddenly becoming a person who had to make the difficult decisions themselves.

The only difference between them was that Faeluna had always had people by her side to turn to for advice should she struggle. For so long now, Aloth had had no one. He had been alone in his crusade.

“Is there any way I can help you?” Faeluna asks. She may not have been able to be there for him since they’d parted ways, but if she could offer any help to him whilst she searched for Eothas, Faeluna would certainly try.

“I wish I knew,” Aloth replies with a shake of his head. “I always thought that the hard part of undoing Thaos’ work would be in the tracking down of Leaden Key members and operations.”

“And it isn’t?”

“No. Not at all.”

Sensing Faeluna’s growing confusion, Aloth moves to set the grimoire to one side, turning closer towards her. He settles both his hands on his sash, his fingers playing absentmindedly with the soft material.

“Perhaps this would be better explained if I were to use an example.”

Faeluna remains silent, patiently inviting Aloth to continue.

“About three years ago, I went to a village in Old Vailia. A run-down backwater of a place. I’d learnt that centuries ago, the Leaden Key had intervened to end some heretical cult there. The full details have since been lost over time, but what had managed to endure since then was a practice of ritual bloodletting. It was a … gruesome, pointless tradition they’d kept.”

Aloth grimaces, as if briefly reliving whatever it was he had found at the village he described. He continues.

“At every full moon, the villagers would feed the soil with their own blood. No one was exempt, not the young or old, sick or hale … there didn’t seem to be any boundary.”

Faeluna’s eyes grow wide, her disgust at what she’s hearing visible. “That’s barbaric. But … you managed to help them, didn’t you?”

“That’s where the story becomes complicated I’m afraid,” answers Aloth. “You see, it was the village priest who administered the practice. He was a grim old tyrant - and he reminded me far too much of Thaos for my liking. I was certain that if the villagers were able to break free of the influence he had over them, they’d find themselves free of the bloodletting. So …”

“... So …?” Faeluna echos, raising her eyebrows.

“I ... arranged for him to have an … _accident_.”

For a moment, Faeluna thinks Aloth looks almost _proud._ Her own stomach turns, her body slightly recoiling with the shock that hits her at his words.

“Aloth,” she gasps, pressing a hand against her chest as if to steady herself. “That’s the sort of dirty trick I would have expected from Thaos, not from you.”

It’s far from the honourable way Faeluna knows Aloth acts, so much so it _worries_ her. Any of that momentary pride vanishes from Aloth’s expression in place of shame. He visibly flinches, suddenly appearing small.

“It was a necessity. I did it for the right reasons -”

“Can you, without a shadow of a doubt, tell me that there was no other way? That you’d considered every option available before acting on that instinct?”

The silence following Faeluna’s interruption is answer enough, as is the way Aloth’s hands are clenched tightly amongst his sash. His fingers have paled, the sash itself heavily creased where it’s been scrunched up. He can’t look at Faeluna, instead staring hard into his own lap.

“It’s not like my actions mattered much in the grand scheme of things,” Aloth says, his voice heavy with the weight of his words, more somber. “The priest died, and the villagers … they were terrified. They took his death to be an ill omen, blaming it - and every other mishap that befell them - on lacking in their faith. So things only began to escalate. The bloodletting became more frequent; they were weekly occurrences now. If neighbours gave too little than the villagers would turn on them, regardless of who they were or what they had once meant to one another. Instead of only a handful dying every year, the death count had risen to a few perishing each week.”

“And because of what you did to the priest,  you feel … responsible?” Faeluna asks, cautious in response to Aloth’s growing distress. “Like you were at fault?”

“Wasn’t I?” Aloth asks, finally meeting Faeluna’s gaze again. She can see the shame he feels mirrored clearly in the way his eyes have widened, the anguish so obviously present within them. “I had to do _something_ to try and help, but what I did was wrong. It only ended up making things worse!”

“It did,” Faeluna agrees, nodding gently. “But it still doesn’t take away from the good intentions behind your actions. I may not like nor agree with your methods, but I know _you_ , Aloth. I know your true goal was only to aid them.”

Aloth shakes his head.

“I just … I can’t help but to wonder what it was I could have done differently. That I could have done _better._ I - I could have taken the time to learn, to understand the delicacy of the situation more - but instead I didn’t.”

“And that’s a hard truth for anyone to learn. _Aloth_ -” Faeluna scoots closer, watching Aloth bow his head once more. She doesn’t touch him, understanding that it’s not what he wants nor what he needs right now.

“Everyone makes mistakes from time to time. Unfortunately for you and I and the things we set out to do, they’re not always the easiest mistakes to live with. But we can learn. _You_ can learn from this. Now you _do_ have a greater understanding, even if it’s due to a result that you were trying to stop from happening in the first place. You can remember what happened, and use it as a guideline for the future.”

“I … suppose you’re right.”

Despite his words, Faeluna still worries. Aloth’s gaze remains fixed downwards towards where his hands remain clenched, white-knuckled amongst his sash. His voice had grown quieter, and it takes a long stretch of a moment for him to shake his head and start to rise.

“I should … probably get some rest,” He begins to say, already stepping backwards towards the door. Aloth still won’t meet Faeluna’s eyes, his forehead creased almost as much as his sash now is. Faeluna already starts inching towards him.

“It’s been a long day. Very long. And … you’ve given me much that I need to think about.”

“Aloth -” Faeluna starts, reaching toward him with an outstretched hand as he turns towards the door. “Wait a moment -”

Faeluna quickly gets up from the bed, too quickly. As she takes a step forward she stumbles, tripping over her own feet as a wave of dizziness suddenly hits her. She presses a hand against her forehead, the other rushing to reach out to the closest object she can use to steady herself. Faeluna only notices Aloth is still there when suddenly his arms are wrapped around her, steadying her.

There’s a beat of a second, her head thumping wildly. She waits for her vision to return to normal - the black cloud obscuring it passing with each intake of breath she makes.

“Are you alright?” She hears Aloth ask from beside her, the words sounding panicked. Faeluna shakes her head, taking another second as her mind settles, the dizziness disappearing as fast as it had arrived.

“I’m fine.”

“What just happened is very much _not_ the definition of fine, Faeluna.”

“It’s alright,” Faeluna says. “I just stood up too fast, that’s all.”

She turns her head, meeting Aloth’s disapproving frown. Faeluna sighs and rolls her eyes.

“I’m missing a good portion of my _soul,_ Aloth. This sort of thing is apparently a side effect of that. It’s annoying, yes, but like I told you before I can handle it. Besides, _you’ve_ still neglected to tell me what the animancers had to do with what you’ve already spoken about.”

“It’s a conversation we can have when you’re feeling better -”

“No, it’s a conversation we can have now, because once again, _I’m fine_ ,” Faeluna interrupts, giving Aloth a pointed look.

For a long moment Aloth stares at her, as if trying to decide whether or not to believe Faeluna’s words. Faeluna stares straight back, going as far as to raise an eyebrow. Realising there was no winning against Faeluna’s stubbornness, Aloth let his arms fall away from her, rubbing a hand against his forehead as he speaks.

“I’m looking for a Leaden Key sect. I’ve found several references which trace it to somewhere here in the Deadfire, but as for anything else …” He drops his hand back down towards his side. “I need to be _sure,_ Faeluna. I can’t make any mistakes this time, and I _won’t_. Give me some time. Allow me the chance to go over my notes. Once I’m sure I’m ready I will tell you everything. I promise you.”

“This isn’t about your notes though, is it? Not really.” Faeluna pauses, trying to piece something together before - “You’re second guessing yourself.”

Aloth gives her an uneasy laugh. “You know me too well. All the same .... I need to gather my thoughts. We’ll talk more about it once I’ve done so.”

Faeluna sighs, but nods in agreement.

“Alright. If that’s what you really feel like you need. If you need anything -”

“Then I will come straight to you for your expert guidance,” Aloth sets his hands on her shoulders. He gives her a small smile, although hidden behind it Faeluna can still see he’s worried. “For now, _rest_. You just said yourself that you’re missing a large portion of your soul, and it’s apparent by the heavy bags under your eyes that you’re not sleeping well. We still have a few days before we reach Neketaka. I’m sure the crew will manage without you for an hour or two.”

Faeluna considers arguing, once more telling Aloth that she’s alright … yet the earnestness in his expression stops her. Instead she scowls, a little put off to learn that Aloth still seems to know her far too well too.

“You really know how to flatter a woman, Corfiser,” She replies, letting Aloth guide her back towards her bed.

“You sound just like Iselymr.”


End file.
